I STILL FIGHT

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When you lose a child you have a hard time accepting their absence in this present world.  You do everything to keep a part of them here in the NOW!  I remember the morning after Jacob left I had a strong desire to hold his pajamas that he slept in the night before.  I held them to my face forever so that I could smell him.  I searched for remnants of hair or crumbs….something to make me feel he was still HERE!  I left his room exactly the way he left it…..books and toys everywhere.  I panicked when our friends Jay and Jamie went to our home and so graciously cleaned up the house for our return.  Jacob’s bottles were on the kitchen counter and had leftover milk in them.  I planned on NEVER washing those bottles!  A few months later we had the cable man over for some repairs and he went to turn our TV stand away from the wall.  I SCREAMED at him to STOP and he almost had a panic attack.   I had to explain that my baby boys hand prints were there and I didn’t want to disturb them.  That poor man sat there and almost cried.   I researched ways online to pull his hand prints off so that I could keep them forever.  Confession:  I tried what the internet told me:)    I even asked the cable guy if he had any ideas.  I’m sure he thought I was losing my mind…..and I was!  More on that another time.  I didn’t windex the patio door for almost a year because Jacob would stand there and watch his daddy cut the grass.  His little hand prints were all over the door and I would sit at that door and put my hand over his hand and I could swear I felt his presence.  When I finally had to clean the door it was as if I was letting go of him all over again.  I was accepting that he was gone. 

Still to this day, I want to preserve every part of DNA from my boys Matthew and Gabe.  I fight the fear still.  I think “but what if”.  My feisty 7 yr old leaves behind more DNA for me to have to part with!!!  He’s forever leaving his mark.  He is always barefoot and dirty.  He climbed in my car a couple of weeks ago and left his presence there for me:)))  I want to wipe it off but my heart won’t let me.  I have this thought that says “but what if that is the only thing you have left of him”.  DARN YOU FEAR!!!!  I STILL FIGHT!!!  But that is the good news.  I STILL FIGHT!!! I will not give into fear because I know that this does not come from God.  I am to be living in the moment and not thinking ahead or thinking what if.  If I do then I won’t fully LIVE here.  FEAR comes to STEAL. 

I will wipe that footprint off shortly and when I do I will remember that THIS SEPARATION is temporary and I will hold Jacob again and will kiss his chubby feet and his little hands!!!  THIS I KNOW FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO!  Some of you reading may have different views.  I’m not sure how you get through even one day of separation.  My heart aches for those mommies.  If I did not know I would see him again I don’t know that I would have made it one day without him. 

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8 thoughts on “I STILL FIGHT

  1. Love this, Steph!! You inspire me to be a better Mom by cherishing each & every moment with my kids. You never know when the last moment will come….

  2. Steph it is exceedingly brave and generous of you to share your heart with the rest of us. THANK YOU! I look forward to these! I am so encouraged by you! You are definitely not alone in the fight to stay in the “now” and out of fear. You lived through the worst and come out praising and teaching and THAT my friend is victory! I hope I get to be there too when you hold your baby again purely for the selfish reason of getting to see the joy of it and meet your sweet baby!

  3. Stephanie, thank you for opening your heart and sharing your story. There is no doubt in my mind you will touch many lives with your blog and honor the life of Jacob. I look forward to reading more:)

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