Ten years ago today at approx. 11:53AM my son left his earthly body and began his journey to heaven. I am convinced that he was hand delivered by the angels! Whenever I allow my heart and mind to go to the exact moment of his last breath, this is the only assurance that brings me comfort. After Jacob’s death, I could barely function. I didn’t eat unless someone was force feeding me, I couldn’t shower without sitting in the floor of the tub and letting the water wash over me. I couldn’t laugh or enjoy anything. I felt so much guilt. I didn’t believe that I had any right to LIVE if Jacob wasn’t allowed to.
My mornings were like the movie “Groundhogs Day”. I had to accept and relive that this was my reality every single morning. It was nothing less than torture. Imagine someone telling you every day for the 1st time each time that your child had died. This is what I lived, as if once was not enough. I would open one eye and plead with God to let it have all been a bad dream. Sadly, it was not.
For a couple of weeks I would get up, grab my coffee, and sit on the couch in the quiet of my house just staring at a wall. No TV, no telephones, no computers, no loud toys, NO BABY BOY! I read a lot. I read about Heaven. I read about dying. I needed to somehow bridge the gap between here and there. It was during this time I became infatuated with Heaven. I daydreamed about going. I would tell Adam all about it when he came home from work. I was so close….the only thing that kept me from it was the religion of my youth that warned me of Hell if I chose that route. I have since realized that was false. So, what did I do?
I woke up one morning and told God in my 5 yr. old bratty voice “I’m DONE! I might not be able to kill myself but guess what? I don’t have to LIVE! I will lie in this bed until the day I die”! I meant every word of it. I can’t explain to you where I was at. There really is a line that people cross, or don’t cross. We are all one tragedy from the brink of insanity! After having my temper tantrum the most amazing supernatural thing happened to me! My legs began to lift me off the bed. I looked at them in amazement and I understood what was happening. God was carrying me. I would have this same tantrum for 3 days and He would carry me for 3 days. I told Him “that’s fine with me because I will just go sit on the couch”. I was so ugly. Thank God that He understands us in these moments. He knows our heart and He hurts with us.
On the 4th day of this routine, I walked into my living room. We had a light colored carpet. God spoke to me and He said very gently “reach down and draw a line in the carpet”. I obeyed Him slowly. After my line was drawn He said “I have carried you for 3 days. I can’t do this for you forever. You have free will and this isn’t living. This is where you have to make a choice. You have to choose to LIVE”. I sat down on one side of that line for what felt like hours. I ran Jacob’s life through my mind, every minute of his 10 months. I thought to myself “Would Jacob be happy with his mommy right now? Is this honoring to his life”? I knew the answer. It was in that moment when I decided to step over the line I began to LIVE again! I’m not going to lie and tell you that I didn’t have to make that choice every day for a very long time. Even today I still do and it’s been 10 years.
When Jesus died on the cross, he REDEEMED death! He gave us eternal life which sealed our fate. Not only did He give us eternal life with Him in Heaven but He gives us ABUNDANT life on earth. This is the FULL GOSPEL. Through grief and loss, the devil will work overtime to get you to not ACCEPT this gift. He wants to bind you up to where you’re not a walking and breathing testimony to the FULL Gospel. We all at some point in this life experience loss. It may be loss of a child, spouse, mom, sister, job, etc. Some choose to ball up in the fetal position and quit living. I won’t lie. That fetal position feels safe sometimes. I just realized that it was wrong of me to allow the devil to steal what Jesus had died for. I felt so much POWER in that choice. I had a purpose and it was to honor Jacob and bring Glory to God through my LIFE.
If you are struggling right now, you too have a CHOICE to make. I ask you…what will you choose? Will you choose LIFE or will you choose death? This is not God’s will for your life. This is not God’s best. There is JOY waiting. There is POWER waiting. There is LIFE waiting. Once you fulfill your life on this earth, then you will be reunited with your lost loved one and all will be HEALED and WHOLE!
Let me know if I can pray for you. Just reply below or follow my blog by email. I pray that you will choose LIFE. This is where the rest of your life begins. Please take a moment and let me know if you made a choice today. It would BLESS my heart to know that this encouraged you.
Much Love- Jacobs mommy
1 Corinthians 15:54-57 When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.” “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Revelation 21:1-4 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
Hebrews 2:14-15 For as much then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, He also Himself likewise took part of the same; that through death He might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil; And deliver them who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage.